7 Reasons Why Men Will Never Be Replaced By Vibrators

University of Gossip


Chuck Palahniuk’s latest novel, Beautiful You, brings to life a fear that has plagued mankind ever since women learned to refer to “back-massagers” with heavy air quotes: that men will be rendered obsolete by vibrators.

In this fictional world of Palahniuk’s imagining, a new line of exceptionally effective sex toys are released. The brand’s tagline? “A billion husbands are about to be replaced.” And, oh, are they ever! Women line up around the block to get their hands on this groundbreaking pleasure product. They start dishing out insults like, “This hunk of plastic is more of a man than you’ll ever be!” and “Anything a man can do to me, I can do better!” Dejected husbands begin papering the streets with “missing” flyers featuring their wives who have absconded with their new lover-toys.

It’s enough to make a penis shake in his briefs. But I’m here to tell guys everywhere:…

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